Care for a spot of crumpet? A little bit of how’s-your-father? A spot of numpty?

When it comes to being coy about talking about sex (shhhhh), few countries have as great a reputation for using convoluted nonsensical phrases as Britain.

The truth, though, is that we’re not really a nation of prudes who sit around complaining about the weather and the price of milk, and, if anything, British TV today use the “s” word a little too liberally. Nevertheless, as is the case in every country, there are plenty of people in the UK who find it difficult to ask their partner for sex without turning into a stuttering mess like Hugh Grant in pretty much any role he’s ever played.

As we saw earlier this month here on RocketNews24, Japanese women too are often quick to argue that their men are lacking in romantic genes or that they don’t express themselves well, so it’s clear that there are plenty of couples out there who have trouble telling their other half that they’re in the mood to, you know, ride the train to Paddington Station…

Thankfully, a new service- designed specifically to help shy couples communicate their sexual desires- has been launched in Japan. And it’s already causing quite a stir online.

New “proxy service” website Muttsuri, allows users to send a message to their loved one (or anyone, for that matter, though the website makes a point of stating that it takes no responsibility for the outcome!), stating exactly what they want, when they want it and how many times.

Arriving at the service’s homepage, users quickly realise what to expect.

On a bright purple background, the image of a flustered woman alongside speech bubbles like “I can’t take this any more!” and “I have to do it!!!” set the scene perfectly.

The official introduction from the company tells users precisely who the site is intended for:

“When you ask your lover, husband or wife for sex, can you do it without feeling embarrassed? For those people all over the world who can’t bring themselves to count out and say it, we created Muttsuri!”

The site’s name comes from the Japanese word for “silent” or “uncommunicative”, and, as well as poking a little fun at those too shy to tell their other half that they want sex, Muttsuri offers to take the awkwardness out of saying “Darling, I would very much appreciate the pleasure of your company in my chambers this eve, should you also be so inclined.”

Eager to try the site out, I decided to send my wife an email, if only just to have her call me an idiot and ask what I’d signed up for this time.

The site, designed to look like a clipboard–style application form, first asks users to enter their own name, followed by their other half’s name and e-mail address, before moving on to the juicy details.

▼Partly using the site for “research” reasons, I decided on an appropriate name for myself.

“When would you like to do the deed?” the site then asks, prompting users to choose from “Right now”, “Tonight” and “Next time we meet”.

Next, users chose from one, two or “an uncountable number” in reference to the number of times they’d like to get it on.

Perhaps the most entertaining part of the website, though, is the ability to choose the style in which the site conveys the message of passion, including “straight to the point”, “asking nicely” and “demanding”.

After hitting the request button at the bottom of the form, users are able to preview their message of love, and perhaps back out if they’re filling it out while drunk and able to realise that it would have been a big mistake.

▼On the right of the screen, a (creepy-eyed) cartoon heroine cries “Oh, how embarrassing!” before users click “Go Back” or “Confirm”

My message to my soon-to-be-annoyed wife, as penned by Muttsuri on my behalf:

“Dear Lovely Wife,

Sorry to ask this so suddenly, but..

If I said “I want to do it with you tonight!” would it be too much?

As for how many times, well, I can’t even begin to count.

You might think it’s odd that I should send an email like this, but I just can’t hold back any more.

Looking forward to it

From,

PocketRocket”

I’d love to tell you that the message was a success, or even that my wife slapped me across the face, but the truth is my message never arrived!

Perhaps Muttsuri’s servers were simply overwhelmed by the sheer number of frustrated Japanese people trying it out? But even so, were I not in a healthy relationship and able to ask “Hey, Lovely Wife, did you get my sexy mail or not!?”, I’d probably be sitting in the corner all night wondering why my wife was completely ignoring my request for sex…

Lesson learned: don’t trust your sex life to machines. Wait, that came out wrong…

Source: Netorabo Images: Muttsuri