A little while ago, we posted a column on our Japanese site by a writer claiming to be a total “it girl“, the epitome of female sex appeal. The article received quite a bit of attention, prompting some internet viewers to respond with indignation, both feigned and genuine. Yes, it’s a bit naughty, and taken at face value, I guess the article could upset some readers, since it reads like … well, a column written by Carrie Bradshaw‘s evil Japanese twin.

The viewers’ response notwithstanding, we thought the article was funny, and we’ve translated it below for your amusement. 

———————————————————————-

——【Column】The “It Girl” Speaks: Men Who Use Trains on Dates: Please Just Abandon the Idea of Marriage and Stay Single Forever ——

————————————————————

Okay, all of you guys out there, if you think it’s perfectly acceptable to use trains on a date, you have no business dating at all. In fact, it’s utterly ridiculous for you to think you even have the right to lust after girls. I just hope all of you have the decency to stay single your entire lives. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, it’s not just me who feel this way; most girls do. They’re just too nice to say so to your face.

The only reason why we don’t simply refuse to take the train on a date is because we know that it would be a total turn-off. I mean, even if having to take the train is absolutely infuriating and makes us want to take off one of our boots and bash your face in and break your nose with it, that would definitely ruin the mood, wouldn’t it? So we don’t resort to such behavior, no matter how much we want to.

But that doesn’t change the fact that forcing a girl to take the train on a date is practically abuse. Yes, it’s a form of violence. Sad, how many idiotic men there are out there who don’t realize this and are only interested in relieving their sexual needs. All they can think about is getting into our pants and spending as little money as possible in the process.

Guys going on dates basically have one goal in mind — to get into bed with girls. Sure, whenever someone writes something like that, there are always guys who tweet a lame response like “But that’s not true!” Well, those guys are lying and just trying to sound nice, so girls really shouldn’t believe them. Guys like that are usually the ones most eager to put their hands under your shirt, just wait and see. And if you let them, mark my words, they’ll waste no time trying to get further with you! Yup, they can sound all nice and sincere on Twitter, but that’s what they’re really after, the pitiful creatures.

Oh, and guys, don’t believe it for a second when a girl tweets that she doesn’t mind taking the train on a date. She’s only saying that because she’s expected to and wants to sound like a good little girl. It’s just the result of social conditioning, simply a survival technique in a society where you’re expected to be kind and broad-minded, at least publicly.

Regardless of what a girl says, a guy who takes a girl out on a date on a train is simply not boyfriend material. Some nerve these guys have, trying to satisfy their needs using our bodies and being cheapskates about it! We girls may be too shy to say so, but we really are embarrassed about having to take the train while on a date. Yes, we’re embarrassed and sad (crying inside, really) that we’re being taken on a cheap date.

It only makes things worse when guys actually think they’re doing us a big favor by buying us the train tickets! It actually makes me sick, these guys acting like they’re giving us the moon, when in fact it’s just a $2.50 ticket; it just pisses me off so much! I wish they would go into self-imposed exile in a jungle somewhere and never return to civilization.

Really, what is wrong with these guys? Be a man and take a taxi or your own car! Oh, and if it’s your car, make sure it’s nice and roomy, not one of those puny little mini-cars. And just to be clear, cars definitely don’t include public buses — no way are we going anywhere on a bus on a date. I mean, just the thought of a bus date is enough to shock a girl into menopause!

Yup, taking the train or bus on a date has got to be a joke. Ha, ha, very funny, I’m in stitches! Actually, no, it’s not funny at all. Guys who use trains on dates definitely shouldn’t be laughing, and it’s no laughing matter for us girls either. Please, if you’re one of these guys with neither money nor manners, just stay single and don’t try to get married, you’ll be doing us all a favor that way.

Seriously, such guys shouldn’t even be allowed to touch girls, much less marry. Yes, more single men means more girls will be single too, but that’s not much of a problem for us. We can just fantasize about hot actors or pop idols to take care of our sexual needs, so we don’t really need men in our lives, do we?

And if we want children, we’re more than ready to procure the “seeds” from some good-looking male individual out there. Once we have that taken care of, all we need in addition is money and social status. Yes, money and social status are the crucial factors here. Naturally, being able to spend money and show the rest of the world what a great life you have is of extreme importance to girls. Now, that wouldn’t be possible with guys who can’t even afford to spare girls the humiliation of public transport, would it? No, I didn’t think so!

Guys, if you have plans for a date, it’s not too late, please use a taxi or get your own car. Come on, do you really think you can get your hands under our shirts if you’re going to make us take the train on a date? If you’re that desperate to go on a date, you should take a train to a farm out in the country and maybe go milk some cows. And if that’s still not good enough, you can go screw the cows’ teats to your hearts’ content. Just leave us alone and we’ll thank you for not pissing us off any further!

———————————————————————————-

(Column by: Red Eye) ——-

—————————————————————————————-

So, guys, what do you think? The whole piece is obviously a joke, right? Admittedly, some of the more explicit expressions have been slightly toned down in the translation (for the sake of decency), but I was still surprised at the number of viewers (not all by any means, but a good number) who reacted with seemingly genuine anger or revulsion to the article, criticizing the writer for being “a selfish and superficial bitch” who can see men only as walking wallets. Some people even commented that taking the train was actually easier in any of the large Japanese cities than driving the often congested roads. All of that being said, just how much truth is in the column, we’ll leave up to your imagination and good judgment

Top image (Original Photo) by Emotional Black
[ Read in Japanese ]