With Hyper Cool Biz long behind us, RocketNews24 management has been looking for new ways to save money while tightening their sadistic power trip over us lowly workjlsafds;lgha;d… ow!
Upon searching the internet, they were pleased to find a helpful management guide from the guys over at Omokoro, who you may remember from their guide to understanding women and the zebra wedding gift stunt.
Some people find these methods controversial, but nine out of ten of Japan’s largest companies swear by them. If you ask them they’ll never admit it though.
We would like to show you a translated version of this guide so that countries around the world may benefit from the increase in productivity and morale it brings.
■ How Sharing a 10-Slice Pizza with 5 Co-Workers Becomes “Pubic Hair Pizza”:
A Management Guide
By Tetsuya Shimoda, Founder, CEO of Burg Hamburg Burg & Editor-in-Chief of Omokoro
Especially during the winter season, it’s recommended that managers treat their workers to some pizza. This should only be done when the staff seems near death. For example, my men hadn’t eaten in three days.
See how happy they look? That’s good management right there. As common sense dictates, a slice is distributed to every worker one by one.
As is usually the case, the number of slices doesn’t factor into the number of people. In this case, my company has six people including myself. After everyone gets a slice, four are left over.
In social situations this is often diffused casually with someone taking extra based on want. However, in the workplace, particular etiquette is required to ensure harmony, thus promoting productivity.
Of course an extra slice goes to manager. This may seem arrogant, but the social fabric of the work place would deteriorate into chaos if an arrogant manager doesn’t impose their might over lesser company members.
Most managers would get the urge to take all remaining slices – and rightfully so. However, I would advise against it for the sake of morale.
This leaves three slices to be divided amongst my five workers. Remember, these workers are hungry, because I starved them. Choosing favorites could backfire, so management should refrain from the selection process.
Games of chance such as rock paper scissors or coin flipping should also be avoided. Losers may accuse fellow staff of cheating while in hunger-induced hallucinations. This kind of office friction is no good for efficiency.
The only way to settle this is through an ancient Japanese competition of strength: Pubic Hair Pulling.
Pube pulling is a complex sport. Naturally, when running your hand through a coif of hair some strands will come out. However, if you want to guarantee victory you must dig deep and tear more out.
The scene in these photos is actually eerily silent. Despite the pain of ripping out a handful of pubes, they cannot tip off the other members. Doing so would cause them to pull out more hair.
Next, the count begins.
Using tissues, each employee must count the pubes one by one arranging them neatly in a row so that everyone may see and ensure a fair result.
Environmentally conscious companies can reuse the pizza box.
As you can see from the photos, the entire pubic hair pulling and counting must be done in the immediate vicinity of the pizza – just because.
These three stellar employees showed they had the focus, tenacity, and drive to earn that extra slice of pizza by removing the most pubic hair with their fists. Their combined tally was well over 100 hairs.
You may notice that these men are using the same hand to eat the pizza that they used to scrounge around in their groin. I taught them this magnanimous gesture for the sake of their less fortunate co-workers.
The losers may be permitted to lick the leftover cheese, grease and possible stray pubic hairs from the bottom of the box.
After employing the pizza party pubic pulling program, my staff has increased productivity three-fold. Losers have only themselves to blame for not working hard enough to get the most pubes.
This also discourages manscaping. After all, a worker who has time to manscape has too much free time. Yet it still encourages good hygiene among the staff since they never know when they have to pull out their own pubic hair.
Managers of staffs which are not all male should proceed carefully in employing pubic hair pulling competitions so as to avoid breaching sexual harassment laws. My workforce used to include three women.
Other than that, this method is an easy way to ensure a smoothly running office. Now if you’ll excuse me I have something stuck in my teeth.
Source: Burg Hamburg Burg (Japanese)