We promised you more “WTF?” in 2013 and we’re delivering it. Get the kids out of the room and be sure that your mother is busy dusting the cat; the men of the world are about to remove their pants and measure their manhood in the name of science.
Regular readers will know that we’ve given breasts more than their fair share of column inches here on RocketNews24, so it’s only fair that penises – ever the source of locker-room anxiety, bravado and ridicule – come under the spotlight for a while.
When it comes to size, the only thing that concerns men anywhere near as much as women’s breasts is their own manhood and how they compare against the competition. But short of spending too much time in public restrooms and sneaking sly glances at those either side of him (n.b. not advised), how is a man to know where he stands in the world? When he takes a lover to bed for the first time, how is he to know whether to expect gasps of awe or spirit-crushing chuckles?
Well, thanks to this website that contains literally millions of measurement entries, there’s a safer way for both curious and cocksure (sorry) men alike to know just where they rank in the trouser department.
Getting straight to the point, Haipaa Chinchin Rankingu (“hyper penis ranking”) provides detailed instructions for men regarding how to measure themselves before entering the all-important number into the database to see how they compare:
- How to measure your penis correctly
1. Stand with your back straight.
2. Make your penis large
3. Align your penis horizontally with the floor.
4. Rest a ruler on the upper length of your penis.
5. Press the end of the ruler against your pelvis.
6. Measure from the base to the tip of the gland.
On the Japanese site, step two also comes with an “assistance” link, which we presume is supposed to lead to a generic porn site. In the spirit of investigative journalism, we took a deep breath and clicked, but – perhaps thankfully – the window that opened remained completely blank. If you’re trying the website out for yourself and struggling to find erotic encouragement, might we suggest thinking of freely bouncing breasts or even our own office hottie Mr. Sato?
▼The measurement entry form
Those of you not used to the metric system might be a little concerned to see numbers like the example “12.3″ written at the top of the page, but rest assured that in Japan everything is measured in centimetres and not inches. If you’re lacking a decent ruler of your own (for the love of god let it be your own), a quick “inches to cm” search on your favourite search engine will yield a handy converter where you can work out the necessary figures.
In the interests of science, we entered our name into the form – which the website promises not to keep a record of – and let’s just say an “average” figure into the “cm” box below before clicking the “inquire” button. How would Pocket Rocket stand against the Japanese average? Will the other websites laugh at us?
A couple of seconds later, Hyper Penis Ranking had passed its judgement:
“Welcome, Mr. Pocket Rocket.
Your penis size is 16.5 cm (while erect). Of the 53,431,897 males 15 years and older in Japan, your penis ranks number 1,744,017.
You have a huge penis (ranking in the top 3%).”
If you see me positively striding towards Shinjuku station this evening, you’ll know why.
To make your own entry into the database and see how you fare, visit the Haipaa Chinchin Rankingu website here. It is at this point that I ask, for perhaps the very first time since joining the RocketNews24 team, that you don’t leave a comment at the bottom of this page…