Thanks to Twitter, we common folk get an unprecedented level of access to the celebrities previously could only gaze at from below. For example, how else but with Twitter could some guy call a multi-billionaire “baldy” directly?
Prominent Twitter researchers at Omocoro – who taught us that attaching clothes pins to your naked body can result in over 1,000 retweets – have developed secret ways to draw tweet replies out of Japan’s entertainment elite.
Our story begins one January day in the Omocoro editor’s room…
Head Editor Harajuku (pictured right) has called in a writer, Yoppy (pictured left) for a creative meeting.
Yoppy: “So, what’s up Mr. Harajuku?”
Harajuku: “Right, for our next feature article, I want you to write something about Twitter.”
Yoppy: “Ugh, Twitter again? Didn’t we just write severa…”
Harajuku: “Shut up, you piece of lint on a dog’s ball-sack! Twitter articles get lots of hits on our website! Hits are everything! Hits are YOUR GOD!”
Yoppy: “Ya, I know bu…”
Harajuku: “Take the crap out of your ears and shove it in your mouth! You know nothing! You know what I tell you to know! Write something about Twitter damn you, and write me an apology letter saying how stupid you are while you’re doing it!”
Harajuku: “It better be something good about Twitter too – something no one has ever seen before – something that makes other websites break down our door to pay us to use it! And your apology letter better be sealed with your tears of remorse for having pissed me off! Got it?!”
Yoppy: Mmm, yup.
Simply typing “hey, it’s my B-Day reply to this!” may work sometimes, but 89% of the time it creates contempt in the heart of the celebrity. Why not go the extra mile by drawing a portrait of them?
Doing this shows them how much you care and appeals to their sensitive sides.
First Yoppi chose the person with the most Twitter followers in Japan: Comedian, Hiroyuki Ariyoshi. (@ariyoshihiroiki, 1,980,000 followers)
Yoppi sent a tweet with a portrait he drew of the entertainer that read “Mr. Ariyoshi! I tried to draw a picture that looks like you! Does it look like you…?”
Yoppi was very satisfied with the detail on the lower lip. He also drew portraits of two other celebs.
The host of London Hearts: Atsushi Tamura (@atsushilonboo, 920,000 followers)
By the way, Mr. Tamura is the voice of Butthead in the Japanese dubbed version of Bevis and Butthead. Not sure why I just thought of that…
And Idol extraordinaire, whom Yoppy spent many a lonely night with: Risa Yoshiki (@risayoshiki, 86,000 followers)
With the seeds of communication planted, now Yoppy only had to wait and see what it yielded.
Yoppy: “Come on, damn you!”
Risa Yoshiki: “Oh!!! It looks like me? It… doesn’t look like me!!! :( Thanks anyway!!!” :(
“Damn she didn’t like it…” Yoppy thought dejectedly. Then it occurred to him, “Hey she replied! I’m the Twitter master!”
He wanted to send a message back thanking her eternally for her reply and that she’d be in his thoughts day and night, but refrained after realizing that could lead to stalking charges.
Then a few minutes later…
Atsushi Tamura: “Thanks a lot! Send your drawings of me and I’ll put it right up on my facebook page for my portrait drawing contest.”
Took long enough, I mean, Yoppy was surprised at this sudden and unexpected reply from such a high level celebrity.
Two out of three famous replies in one morning; It was safe to say Experiment #1 was a success!
Now onto the next phase:
If a hand-drawn picture on paper got through to entertainers, then drawing on your own body would logically be extra touching.
This method is rather simple. Just write a message to the famous person on your chest while standing in your underwear. This has proven to work for women so it should pan out for guys too.
After you finish drawing, send a picture of yourself with a tweet saying something like; “I’m thinking about getting this tattooed as an expression of my love for you. Waddaya think?”
This tweet was for the popular model and TV personality Rola, but the beauty of this technique is you just have to wipe off the name and replace it with someone else for wider coverage.
So, Yoppy sent tweets out to:
Actress Yuriko Yoshitaka
Songstress Hikaru Utada
Model Tsubasa Masuwaka
AV Star Sora Aoi
And the “Japanese Beyoncé” Naomi Watanabe
With all his tweets tweeted, it was time again to play the waiting game, when suddenly…
Harajuku: “Yoppy’s trying to get famous people to tweet him. I hate him so much…”
It was just his boss. Then…
Naomi Watanabe: “You spelled my name wrong.”
Indeed he did. Actually it was Harajuku’s idea. He said, “If you use the wrong kanji character for her name she’ll definitely comment on it… asshole!” Watanabe, a seasoned comedian would never miss a chance to point out another’s mistake. Yoppy, a proper gentleman tweeted his apologies.
Yoppy: Gah! Sorry, that was rude…
Naomi: Naw, I laughed when I saw it.
Not only did she reply, but she also followed Yoppy’s twitter feed. “Wow,” he thought “what a lady, she must have a heart the size of… something big.” Yoppy was just about to declare this experiment a modest success when…
Tsubasa Masuwaka: “Oh… that’s nice, thank you… LMFAO”
With four celebrity replies in one day, Yoppy felt safe to say his two Twitter experiments were complete successes.
“Huzzah” he tiredly but happily cheered.
TWO DAYS LATER
Yoppi: “So you wanted to see m-…”
Harajuku: “You stupid sack or crap! You call that steaming coil on my desk an article!”
Harajuku: “Feel the sting of my disappointment with each punch!”
Yoppy: “What do you mean?! The experiment was a success and the article was perfect.”
Harajuku: “Dumbass, you got some random celebrities to send you replies. Who gives a rat’s foreskin about that? If you’re a fan of someone you only want their reply. Of course when you send a bunch of people messages some are going to return them, duh. To truly be great, you’ll have to get a reply from something beyond humanity… something like a dinosaur.”
Yoppy: “A dinosaur… You mean… Him?”
The dinosaur in question was none other than Gachapin. This formidable reptile has done everything from scuba diving and snowboarding to racking up 1,350,000 followers on Twitter.
Yoppi tried the typical approach to warm up.
Yoppi: “Gachapin rules!”
Yoppi: “Gachapin is cool!”
Yoppi: “How am I gonna get a reply from this guy… I mean dinosaur.”
Yoppi: “That’s it! He’s not human!”
Yoppi had transformed himself into Gachapin’s constant companion Mukku the yeti. He had also assumed the sasquatch’s identity on Twitter.
Mukku: “Hey man, where are we shooting today?”
Mukku: “Yo, it’s me! It’s me yo!”
Mukku: “Hmph. Nothin’…”
Mukku: “F@#k it, I need a drink.”
Mukku: “Urrrrrrgh… Huggggggghhhh!”
Harajuku: “There, there. Just a little more, tiger. Get that poison out of your system. That-a-boy. You reached out to the dinosaurs, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Mukku: “Harajuku?! *sob* You’re not mad at me?!”
Harajuku: “No, I still hate you. I will always hate you with a relentless rage that will only be quenched when I tear your heart from your chest and take one sweet victorious bite as the last of your spirit squirts out of an artery into a bloody puddle on the ground which a stray dog will lick up.”
Harajuku: “And I slept with your girlfriend.”
Source: Omocoro (Japanese)