The PS Vita edition of breast simulator game Senran Kagura has become an instant hit, selling out in stores everywhere immediately after hitting store shelves.
However, the question stands: With these virtual boobs in the hands of so many, how can we be sure they’re getting an authentic experience?
The RocketNews24 Institute of Cybermamography–headed by the one and only Mr. Sato–has conducted extensive research on the matter and herein submits our paper for peer evaluation.
A Comparison of the Virtual Boobies Engineered by Senran Kagura with a Pair of Real Human Breasts
RocketNews24 Institute of Cybermamography: Kuzo Phd., Mr. Sato Esq.
In the video game Senran Kagura, an array of pretty virtual women endowed with large bosoms are presented. Within the game players are able to manipulate said hooters in a variety of ways including jiggling, pinching, poking, and swaying.
However, are the physics of these breasts the same as a pair of real ones? Or, are the game makers simply relying on the fact that anyone buying this game probably has never experienced real breasts before and would never know the difference?
By employing a real, amply chested woman, we determined that the game has achieved near perfect results.
The RocketNews24 staff held a meeting to discuss the realism of Senran Kagura’s fun-time-happy-pillows. Then it came to light that none of the men on the team have actually seen or touched real breasts before – probably because we use words like “fun-time-happy-pillows.”
So we would have to acquire raw data with a real human female.
Chief Researcher Sato had convinced a test subject to participate by telling her that he got an inoperable brain tumor just after penning the screenplay for “that movie about the funeral people who won an Oscar a couple of years ago.”
- Vertical Jiggle Test: Success!
Recreating the level where you can jiggle a girl wearing a uniform, our test subject simulated the simulator by jumping up and down rapidly. Indeed! Both the boobs of the game and the boobs of the girl were oscillating at the same frequency.
However, in the game, after successful jiggling of the tatas, the girl’s clothing is magically removed.
- Magical Removal of Clothes: Success!
Sure enough, our test subject was suddenly clad in swimwear. This allowed our researchers to make a more detailed comparison of the two.
After a grueling observation period, the scientists made a disturbing discovery.
- Yaw Angle: Unrealistic!
Unfortunately the Senran Kagura game failed to meet real world conditions with the amount of play they gave the breasts around the z-axis. They were simply moving much too freely, most likely as a combination of poor gravity and inertia calculations.
The real woman’s boobs had moved and shook up and down, up and down, up…
Sorry, they pretty much moved with the same fluidity and resistance as real breasts, but real boobs don’t quite move as laterally as they do in the game.
We find the boobs in Senran Kagura to be a near-perfect match (within three sigma) to real ones.
However, we believe that the yaw error was intentionally inserted by the game developers for protection of the human race. If the breasts had been 100 percent accurate, men all over would have confined themselves to their homes thus sending the economy and birth rates to new depths.
However, more research is needed to confirm these results. If any women would be so kind as to donate their bodies to science please contact Dr. Kuzo or Chief Researcher Sato at the Institute of Cybermamography. They will be waiting by their phones day and night.
▼ “The girl on the screen is touchable.”
▼ “Just touch the screen…”
▼ …and slide you finger down to tug on the breast.
▼ “Release your finger and the boob springs right back into place” with no criminal charges.
▼ Hey! Erina-chan stopped by to help verify the physics of this game!
▼ …by jumping…
▼ …like that…
▼ Erina: How’d I do?
▼ Chief Researcher Sato: “Do you think this is a joke? This is serious research.”
▼ “Super-duper serious…got it?”
▼ “Okay… Okay… Just…”
▼ “…a little more…”
▼ “That looks about right. Now are yours the same?”
▼ “Commence testing!”
▼ “Fascinating! It’s an exact match. The mechanics are the same.”
▼Success! Senran Kagura matches up to the genuine article!
▼ Yup… matches… up
[ Read in Japanese ]