Summer is almost here, and in Japan that means two things. First, high humidity and the profuse sweating that comes with it. But second, summer is also the season of hot, passionate, romance.
Unfortunately, this spring has again found our intrepid reporter Mr. Sato unable to find a girlfriend, but he’s ready to wipe the slate clean and give it his all this summer. We decided it was best to get Mr. Sato a little practice, so he’d have a good running start before the season of love gets fully underway. To that end, he asked out idol singer Sayaka Shiotani from vocal unit Pureful. Like all women, she is powerless to resist the charms of a RocketNews24 writer, and so of course said yes.
“Honestly though, I don’t have much experience with girls, and I’m not even really sure how to talk to them,” he tells us. Well, as a wise man once said, when you’re trying to pick up girls, use humor. And if you’re not funny, use alcohol.
For their date, Mr. Sato decided to head to the beach in Chiba, the prefecture west of Tokyo. “I picked the beach because it was the only place my inexperienced mind could think of for a fun summer date,” our reporter explained. “It wasn’t like I had any ulterior motive that this would let me see her in a bikini,” he rather specifically denied.
▼”Check me out, I’m at the beach with an idol!”
“I figured that if you splash around in the water with a girl and get her all giggly, then have a drink together with a little alcohol in it, you’ve got it made, right?” he continued, completely wiping away the “hidden” status of his hidden agenda. Unfortunately, the weather’s been unusually cool this spring, and when our would-be lovebirds hit the beach in May, the ocean was still way too cold for any extended frolicking. As they exited the water after just a few minutes, “Ms. Shiotani gave me a look that told me she was, at least, half-pissed,” Mr. Sato reported.
▼”I don’t get it, my David Bowie make-up was a big hit with heavy metal idol Kanon Mori.”
▼”The water’s cold, this guy’s make-up is creepy. This is the worst date ever!”
▼Adding injury to insult, the seashells stabbed Mr. Sato’s bare feet as they fled the ocean
Trying to salvage the date, he next took Ms. Shiotani to a nearby park. After finding a bench to relax on, and with no other options left, Mr. Sato had no choice but to pull out his secret weapon, by which of course we mean two cans of Cariboon, the new canned cocktail from Kirin Beverage Company.
▼Plan B: Wash off the make-up and have a drink in the park
Cariboon is a mixture of rum, tropical fruit juicer, and rum. With only a 4 percent alcohol content, Mr. Sato figured it’d be enough to give him a buzz, but not so strong as to render him incoherent.
The two cracked open their cans, and took a sip. “It was like party in my mouth and the pirates of the Caribbean were invited!” our reporter tells us. The power of rum gave Mr. Sato the gift of gab, and he “became as witty and charming as Jack Sparrow.” Ms. Shiotani’s smile even came back. Was our reporter back in the game?
▼”Oh wow, that’s good stuff!”
▼”Maybe I should have just done this from the beginning?”
After the pair finished their drinks and said their goodbyes, we asked Ms. Shiotani how she’d enjoyed the date. “The Cariboon was really good! The pineapple juice in it has just the right balance of tartness and sweetness.”
But did she enjoy the Cariboon enough that she’d have another with Mr. Sato, should he ask her out again?
“His face was really creepy,” Ms. Shiotani told us flat out. “Next time I’d really just like to drink it with my friends.”
Sorry, Mr. Sato. But don’t worry, you’ve got the whole summer ahead of you, and there are still plenty of fish in the sea. In the meantime, you’ll always have the suspiciously low-angled photo you took of Ms. Shiotani to remember her by.