Human-cat relations have been strained recently following the Upper House election results in which Shinzo Abe and his LDP-Komeito coalition have gained greater power in the government.

The generally left-leaning cat community in Japan has reacted accordingly. There has been a marked decrease in cuteness across the country, and shouts of “kawaii!” have plummeted by 46.2 percent.

The cats have also released a statement anonymously onto the internet asking for an improvement in people’s petting techniques. If the proper effort is made by humans in Japan then they promise to lower the sanctions on adorability. We’d now like to translate and share that information with the world in case your nation succumbs to a similar fate.

The following are the locations to pet a cat ranked best to worst:

1 – The best

Cats lead stressful lives. Just try sleeping 16 hours a day and sill getting everything done that you need to. As such they enjoy a nice massage in the cranial region more than anything.

2 – That’s the stuff!

Second to the head, the small region just in front of the tail joint creates a blissful sensation for the cats. It’s hard for us non-tail-having mammals to understand so I consulted Japan’s leading catologist, the old lady who lives up the hall from me, Dr. Oka.

“Oh, cats love that because they keep their magic there. When you scratch it releases rainbows in another part of the world,” postulates Dr. Oka. Hmm, interesting.

3 – Eh, not bad

A good rub on the upper back and shoulders is nice for a cat, but it’s not good enough for them to acknowledge your existence. It’s not meant to be a dig at us, but for a cat to recognize our existence takes a huge toll on their busy lifestyle (see no.1).

4 – Whatever

The tail and front legs of a cat are similar to the upper back, but by engaging these parts you are completely interrupting the cat’s schedule. That’s not necessarily bad, however, as cats do enjoy a meaningful break once in a while. But your next step better be important. If you try to dance with the cat on two legs, they may be amused, but if you’re just trying to make them wave good-bye to someone, you have created contempt in the cat’s heart.

5 – Not here

Cats would just prefer you leave that area alone.  They rely heavily on their hind legs and don’t need you monkeying with them. They would also prefer you not touch their butts with your dirty hands. They have to put their tongues there for crying out loud.

6 – Hey! Stop it.

When it comes to touching the back legs, cats just ain’t having for the reason state above and because it’s just plain annoying. How would you like someone pulling out your legs while you’re walking or sitting?

7 – Fakkuyuuuu!!

Fakkuyuuuu is an ancient Japanese word of formality and politeness which doesn’t really translate well into English. The meaning is essentially; “Excuse me, sir, this situation has developed into something distasteful. Would it be too much of a bother to ask that you consider ceasing your current actions?”

So when a cat hisses and scratches you when you try to touch its belly, just remember: It’s not really angry, it’s just saying “Fakkuyuuuu.”

The cats would also remind people that like snowflakes, every feline is unique in what they like or dislike petting-wise. However, in general following these rules will – over time – help to smooth the soured political ties between them and us. This has been another RocketNews24 political analysis.

Source: Ogohige Kaizoku Dan (Japanese)