In many parts of the world, the winter of 2013/2014 has been an especially brutal one. Record low temperatures and snowfalls have left millions searching for relief. Luckily, the guys at Japanese humour site Omocoro have been hard at work finding new ways to ride out the rest of this freezing season.
In fact, their writer Sebuyama feels that he may have found the ultimate self-warming method using only a single sweater and absolutely nothing else. The following is what he found, but beware: this winter guide is not safe for work… unless your work involves looking at large amounts of man-flesh.
Sebuyama: “Hello, I’m Sebuyama. Day after day this severe cold continues, so how can people cope? Take me for example: I don’t have money to buy any clothes, so even indoors I’m left shivering from the cold.”
Sebuyama: “If you’re one of the millions like me who think, ‘I don’t want to rely on a heater, but all I have is a single pink sweater,’ my investigative report will show you what to do.”
1) Put your legs through the sleeves of the sweater.
2) Put your upper body through the large bottom hole of the sweater.
The trick is to fold your body into half so it will fit inside an article of clothing designed for half your body.
3) You’ll find your head is approaching the neck-hole of the sweater just as if you were putting it on normally.
4) Just keep pushing your head through until… You’re done!
First-timers will often find that their entire butt is both more conspicuous and much more gaping compared to the traditional way to wear a sweater. Don’t panic though! This just means you haven’t squiggled your way into it enough. If you look like this, keep trying!
Once fully inserted into the sweater, you’ll find your once shiver-inducing room has become your personal tropical cabana! The combination of curling your body up into a ball and the sweater provides an unprecedented level of warmth using a minimum of resources.
Now you needn’t worry about keeping up with your utility bills or whatever horrors global warming decides to unleash next. You can even continue with your work as usual in the woolen pink coziness of your own body.
Sebuyama: “Oh! Hi!”
Sebuyama next took his invention out for some field testing. Keeping warm indoors is all well and good but we’re busy people with lives to lead out in the world. Won’t curling ourselves up into a single sweater interfere with that?
Sebuyama: “No way!”
In fact, even outside he was so warm that he only realized afterward that he had been leaning against an icy snowbank during these photos. The single sweater continued to keep him warm despite the chilling wind and damp asphalt.
This method of keeping warm emboldens its users to get out of the house thus increasing exercise which combats Seasonal Affective Disorder. It was an unintended but welcome benefit.
Clearly, it’s harder for Sebuyama to walk in this way but that only burns more calories and creates what full-body sweater-wearers call a “hobbler’s high.” Studies have shown that… Oh wait a minute…
Sebuyama: “Hey! A produce shop! Something smells good inside. Could it be yakiimo (baked sweet potato)?”
Sebuyama: “Excuse me, green grocer? May I have a yakiimo please?”
Green Grocer: “Oh why of course sir! That’ll be 100 yen.”
Sebuyama: “Whoa that’s a good deal! Okay, 100 yen.”
Green Grocer: “Thank you, come again.”
Sebuyama was already in a blissful state of warmth, but now with his newly purchased potato he would reach new levels of toastiness. Excitedly he looked for a relaxing spot to eat it.
Sebuyama: “Oh, this plaza looks like a perfect place to eat my yakiimo.”
Sebuyama: “Here’s we g… Uh… Awh, come on!”
And so, Sebuyama found an issue in his new body-warming technique. He was unable to bend any further than he already had and pass the sweet potato to his mouth. To make matters worse a pigeon happened upon him and began eyeing up his snack.
Sebuyama: “Hnnnnng! Ahhh, it’s no use. This sweater thing has a major flaw.”
Things were looking grim for our scientist. The pigeon had circled around to an elevated position, all too ready to swoop in and steal the snack. However, just as it spread its wings to strike, Sebuyama had a major realization.
All this time walking around like a dressed turkey, Sebuyama had momentarily forgotten that he had functioning hands to eat his potato with. All was well again.
Sebuyama: “Heheheh… Hahaaha!”
There you have it. Everyone out there with nothing but a single sweater, you now have the tools to manage even the worst winter Mother Nature throws at you. Sebuyama was both impressed with how warm he kept but also how friendly everyone in town was to him. Some people even asked him for an autograph for some reason…