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Okay, so first off, I just want to start by saying I promise to avoid any “In Mother Russia, xxxx eat you!” jokes in this article, as tempting (and as easy) as it may be to do so.

But, that said: come on, Russia! You’re jockeying with China for worst food-art fails of all time here. While Japan has been busy cranking out new and innovative ways to create beautiful and sometimes seemingly impossible food-art masterpieces, other regions are definitely falling behind with, at best hilarious fails and, at worst, nightmare-inducing food abominations.

Let’s take a look at a few food-art fails from Russia:

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▼ Perhaps the expression the kids would use these days is, “I can’t even…”

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▼ “Happy third birthday, Timmy!” Actually, this is kind of awesome in a gross way.

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▼ One of the few cases in which bacon does not, in fact, make everything better.

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▼ Not even sure what this is…

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▼ Design notwithstanding, do people really eat dried fruit and white rice in Russia?

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▼ Please tell me the mustache is not made out of diced onions.

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▼ That’s not terrifying. Not at all…

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▼ “Please… Kill me…”

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▼ Somewhere between Robocop, Duck Tales and Tales from the Crypt.

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▼ Something tells us alcohol was involved in the creation of this.

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▼ Alright, this one’s kind of sweet.

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▼ This actually reminds me of a bizarrely specific pop culture reference.

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If it helps you feel any better, we’re sure that every single person behind these creations originally had good intentions, and, to be sure, it’s not just Russians that screw up food art; there’s a reason that the “Nailed it!” meme focuses primarily on American foodie fails.

Maybe this is a sign that we should all just give up on making our food look like cute things in the first place and just embrace the natural ugliness of the things we choose to put in our mouths?

Source and photos: Oricon.tv