Hemorrhoids are, apparently, a pain in the butt. Your humble writer must confess to a lack of experience in the hemorrhoid department, but I will certainly admit a great deal of sympathy for those with the affliction. However, one of our Japanese writers, a certain Mr. Wasai, is quite experienced in the painful pooping department.
Of course, hemorrhoids aren’t exactly the most glamorous physical malady, and a large number of Japanese people are certainly embarrassed to discuss it. But Wasai is here to provide support for everyone in the form of music! Here are the five songs that best reflect his dookie affliction.
Wasai’s five selected songs are all in English, so you’ll probably have no difficulty guessing why he chose them–though his explanations may well leave a smile on your face. Or at least ease the grimace as your groan on the porcelain throne.
5. Let It Bleed
What music list would be complete without an entry dedicated to the Rolling Stones? Probably there are many, but Wasai chose this particular song, since, if you have hemorrhoids, you’ll definitely be bleeding when you go number two. And, he tells us, listening to this before “going to battle” is a great way to get yourself pumped up. Also, he can’t help feeling that the voice of the slide guitar echoed the screams of his anus.
4. Drop the Bomb
Missy Elliot is, without a doubt, one of the best rappers of her generation and Under Construction was certainly one of her best albums. But it is “Drop the Bomb” in particular that resonated with our squirming Wasai. Our afflicted writer says that there’s no word as good as “bomb” to describe the turds that flowed through his hemorrhoidal butt. He also said that wiggling his butt along to the lyrics “Shake my ass” and screaming “drop the bomb on it” while grunting out a big one was just the perfect feeling.
3. Fire in the Hole
For Wasai, there is no song that comes quite so close as capturing the feeling of pooping with hemorrhoids as the song “Fire in the Hole.” He told us that when the line “There’s a fire in the hole” comes around, he couldn’t help screaming along, “Me, toooooooo!” For Wasai, listening to the song while writhing on the poop seat gave him hope, as it made him feel less alone. “Someone out there understood exactly how I felt,” he said.
2. I Am a Rock
For our next song, Wasai chose “I Am a Rock,” as he said it helped him steel his nerves to deal with the agony before settling down on the toilet. He also recommended not just listening to the song but hollering along with it–in particular “I am a rock!” and “A rock feels no pain!” seem to be the lyrics he most favored. Though we suppose it probably also felt like a rock was being pushed out of his bum, too…
1. Like a Virgin
The number one song for Wasai’s hemorrhoid pooping fun time was “Like a Virgin” by Madonna. For our pained writer, no song comes as close as Madonna’s most famous tune for describing his experience. Like a virgin being touched for the very first time, he was going through an entirely new and bewildering experience.
And, of course, Wasai loved to shout “Like a virgin!” while putting all his strength into pushing out one more piece of bloody poop.
While we think Wasai certainly has some excellent selections, we can’t help adding one of our own. How can you have a list about pooping without mentioning “Let It Go?” Because getting stabbed in the butt with an icicle couldn’t be as bad as pooping with hemorrhoids, right?
Hopefully our dear readers will never get the chance to experience Wasai’s pain, but if you do, be sure to give these songs a listen to give you courage. And, please, go to the doctor no matter how embarrassing it is!
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