RocketNews24’s mightiest eaters assemble to take on competitive eater and devourer of all things delicious (and possibly the occasional soul too) Sachiyo Masubuchi.
RocketNews24 was recently asked by the Japanese distributors of the latest Fantastic Four movie to promote its February 3 release on DVD and Blu-ray across the country. When asked if we had any superhuman abilities to demonstrate we said, “Of course: eating!”
And so a spotlight with a hamburger silhouette was shone into the overcast night sky and three of RocketNews’ hungriest employees answered the call. They were:
Known for his incredibly elastic stomach, Mr. Satostic has taken on many of our largest eating challenges to date.
Through years of physical training, P.K. Sanjun has been developing the uncanny ability to make himself invisible. Unfortunately he’s only gotten as far as making his clothes vanish at this point.
Seiji Nakazawa is well-known for his hard-hitting fashion reports, but when trouble is brewing you can be sure to hear his battle cry of, “Wool on!” And he’ll casually walk into action with one of his trusty sweaters.
With these three heroes of the gourmet world, there was no Megaburgerpizza too mega.
However, our sponsors felt that this was neither Fantastic nor Four enough to do the movie justice. So they enlisted…
Don’t be fooled by Sachiyo Masubuchi’s slight build and pixie-like looks. Inside her gut is a powerhouse digestive track that was mutated by cosmic rays and hardened into a flexible orange rock-like substance which can withstand even the heaviest of meals.
However, when Sachiyo appeared, The Invisible Sanjun immediately flew into a rage. The two had met before last year when Sachiyo challenged Sanjun and his sidekick Mega-Sawaii to a two-kilogram (4.4-pound) Stamina Ramen eating contest.
The Invisible Sanjun and Meg were defeated by Sachiyo in a battle which resulted in Meg being banished to the toilet, never to return. Every day since then, P.K. had vowed revenge.
And so, rather than team up, Sachiyo suddenly found herself pitted against RocketNews24 once again. But this time the combined stomachs of P.K, Mr. Sato, and Seiji were a serious force.
The rules of engagement were set out: Each side was to eat 5 kilograms (11 pounds) of curry loaded with various toppings like fried shrimp and eggs. This was not a time trial, however. Simply finishing the food would be considered a win.
▼ Each platter and container is holding 2.5 kilograms (5.5 pounds)
Looking at the scene, The Invisible Sanjun couldn’t help but smirk. With Mr. Satostic and The Human Sweater by his side there was no way they could lose since they only needed to consume a piddly 1.7 kilograms (3.7 pounds) each. As they started to eat, they joked and told each other how delicious the pork cutlets looked.
Meanwhile, the smiling Sachiyo quietly poured a glass of tea and daintily ate her curry with a spoon.
Gradually the banter and comradery between the men faded and their grins morphed into looks of deep contemplation.
Sachiyo simply looked on and continued to eat.
Another five minutes passed and cracks began to form in our superhero alliance. The Human Sweater snapped at P.K, “Hey you’re giving me all the heavy parts!” To which the Invisible Sanjun replied “That’s because you’re making me eat most of this crap!”
He then turned to Mr. Satostic and yelled, “Hey, put down that smartphone and pick up a goddamn spoon!”
Mr. Sato replied, “Uh just…a…” and ran off to the bathroom.
Our writers were still busy complaining and giving each other stink eyes when they heard a cheery “I’m done♪” Sachiyo displayed the two silver plates which she had completely cleaned. However, the men still sat gazing bleary-eyed at their remaining one kilogram (2.2 pounds) of curry and admitted defeat.
Pound for pound the men clearly had an advantage but in the end let personal differences and a lack of teamwork lead to their downfall. And so, they decided to set aside all past grudges and joined forces with Sachiyo in…eating stuff.
The spirit of teamwork is a valuable lesson for us all and one that can be learned in Fantastic Four, now available on DVD and Blu-ray in Japan for rent or sale…or possibly as a prize in the Fantastic Four retweet contest linked below. In comparison to past versions, this film takes a more introverted look at what its like to be a superhero and work with other super-abled people.
Yeah, I know it’s a commercial, but these guys risked serious bloating to bring you this message.
Still not going to? Alright then…watch this all-cat version of the Fantastic Four instead. That ought to get you in the mood.
Meanwhile our own fantastically fattened and feasibly flatulent four will be ready for whatever threat to reckless consumption of foodstuffs may befall the world next…
▼ A video recap of the contest
[ Read in Japanese ]