As usual, when Mr. Sato thinks he has a good idea, we strongly recommend you don’t try it at home.
It’s that beautiful season in Japan again when the blistering heat of summer is gracefully carried away by several typhoons. And after we clean up the inevitable damage and destruction of this seasonal transition, we can finally enjoy some cooler weather. However, this year, eastern Japan had already gotten a taste of typhoons, and yet the sun still hangs overhead as relentlessly hot as ever. It was getting so bad that Mr. Sato was at his breaking point and needed a better way to cool down.
He thought long and hard until inspiration struck: The key to instant cooling is through the groin! Mr. Sato admits that, as far as he knows, this logic only works on men, but when you think about it, full-body sensations of pleasure and pain originate quickly from the groin…so why not coolness too?
We all have to say that this plan did have far more sensible logic than some of his past ideas like smoking dead leaves, sucking on used disposable chopsticks all day, making rice balls with salt from his own sweat, and smoking his own meat with cigarettes.
However, we still strongly advise you to not try Mr. Sato’s plan at home.
Our writer went to purchase a can of one of the many cooling sprays sold in stores everywhere in Japan, and, being the Fitzgerald fan he is, he chose Gatsby brand Ice-Type Deodorant Spray. Mr. Sato wasn’t aware of any odors down there, but why leave it to chance when you can potentially kill two birds with one stone?
Luckily, even the brief trip to the store in this heat left him a sweaty mess. It was the perfect opportunity to test his theory! He pulled out the waistband of his underpants, pointed the nozzle downward, and gave it a little pffft.
If there is a heaven, this would be what it’s like. If an alien race arrived and wanted to understand the human concept of “happiness,” Mr. Sato now knew how to explain it with crystal-clarity.
Fellow writer P.K. Sanjun happened to be in the office and witnessed Mr. Sato’s euphoria first hand. “Lemme try,” he blurted out as he yanked the can from Mr. Sato, who didn’t mind as a pink skinned Hindu goddess had descended in front of him and offered a lotus of blissful wisdom.
▼ *pssssssssttttsssssstt* “Ohph, what’s thi…”
Again, we would like to remind everyone not to do this at home. See, even the label on the can says not to use this spray near any bodily orifice, and you better believe they mean any opening.
When all was said and done the two men sat amid an air of satisfaction, especially Mr. Sato who was beaming from having finally come up with an idea that worked.
However, about a minute or two after the spraying began, Mr. Sato began to feel an unpleasant warmth in his crotch.
▼ “Hey P.K. Do you feel something hot?”
P.K. who started spraying a little after Mr. Sato and was still basking in the afterglow replied, “Are you kidding? It’s as cool as a cu…huh?”
▼ “It burns!!!”
And so they learned the hard way that when in contact with the mucous membrane, cooling sprays such as this will burn like the morning after a chili festival. So, take a note from this lesson in ecstasy and agony: There are no easy answers to beating the heat. Just grab yourself a cold sarsaparilla and ride it out like everyone else.