He asked major clothing chain Uniqlo which shorts go best with a punch perm. Amazingly, they had an answer.
For the past few days, Mr. Sato has been getting a swollen head over all the compliments regarding his new punch perm hairstyle. What started as a punishment for losing a bet may have turned out to be the best decision our star reporter has ever made.
Naturally, with all this fame, Mr. Sato is expecting to get a little more attention from the ladies, so he decided to make his downstairs as stylish as his upstairs. Heading down to Uniqlo, Mr. Sato asked the clerk with a straight face, “Which pairs of your underwear go best with a punch perm?”
With an admirable level of professionalism the clerk – also with a straight face – selected ten pairs that would suit his chemically treated curls.
After returning to the office, Mr. Sato decided to model and rank each pair to find the ultimate underwear companion for a punch perm.
10 – Light Oxford Boxers: Blue
Mr. Sato was a little surprised to find that this Uniqlo had no old-fashioned briefs in stock. According to the staff, they undersold and weren’t worth keeping around. Trunks were also in short order and limited to fairly plain colors like this dark blue number.
9 – Printed Trunks
Some trunks had subtle patterns, possibly to appeal to younger shoppers. This made them slightly fresher than the plain blue ones, but still made our reporter look like a past-his-prime yakuza soldier on his way to take a schvitz.
8 – Supima Boxer Briefs: Black
These are the most common kinds of underwear at Uniqlo, and among them the most popular color is black. That would probably work well for your average work-a-day joe. For a punch perm paragon, however, it would not be enough.
7 – Supima Boxer Briefs: Black Denim Pattern
The fake black denim adds a playful touch to these shorts, but at a casual glance they just look faded black, which isn’t making Mr. Sato look any fresher.
6 – Supima Boxer Briefs: Black Denim Pattern
The blue color gives this a slight advantage to number 7, but it still has the exact same pros and cons.
5 – Supima Boxer Briefs: Red
Now we’re getting somewhere! Mr. Sato was beginning to think he was led astray when suddenly these fiery undies appeared with an intensity to rival Mr. Sato’s red-hot hairstyle.
▼ They also brought out a little extra attitude in Mr. Sato’s posing.
4 – Airism Boxer Briefs: Red
Then, even redder underwear appeared making Mr. Sato’s crotch look like it was on fire…more so than usual. Combining that with the airy design intended to survive hot and humid summers made this one a winner too.
3 – Airism Low Rise Boxer Briefs: Black
“Low rise” automatically adds a layer of sex appeal to any garment and these pants were no exception. Although less covered, Mr. Sato felt emboldened by this sensuous underwear, but was solid black too simple a color for the punch perm?
2 – Airism Boxer Briefs: Geometric
They say that a man cloaked in triangles is a mysterious one. As such, these shape-filled shorts add depth to the dark and dangerous persona often attributed to the punch perm wearer.
Even better though, is that from a distance these shorts match Mr. Sato’s hair amazingly well.
1 – Airism Mesh Boxer Briefs: Black
For the ultimate punch-perm-pairing pants, Mr. Sato selected these perforated shorts. Light and airy, he felt they could support him through the summer months in more ways than one.
In the end it was comfort that mattered most. Who cares what stylish patterns are on your underwear, if your junk inside is left steaming in its own juices?
Of course, by basing his selections on function rather than fashion, Mr. Sato has completely negated the reason that he had started this whole ranking in the first place.
It’s not surprising though, as Mr. Sato has been feeling a little body-positive with his recent pole dancing, and we long suspected he was just looking for an excuse to vogue around in his underwear all day.
[ Read in Japanese ]