Steven Simonitch

Writer / Translator

Though a native of the San Francisco Bay Area, Steven currently resides in Nagano, Japan, where he is known by the old lady at the supermarket as "the white guy who always buys 2 packs of natto." Having finished a 2 year stint teaching English with the JET program, Steven now spends his days writing silly things about Japan while vainly insisting to his parents that he's a "journalist" working for an established "newspaper."

Aside from writing banal stories about hot Asian women and cheeseburgers, Steven is also working with dojin circle Creative Freaks to localize their fitness app/ Japanese dating sim series, Burn your fat with me!! (known as Nensho! in Japan).

All Stories by Steven

Fox Found “Frozen Alive” in Norway River

Dec 19, 2012 by Steven
0
Tweet

Here’s a winter mystery for you—and a rather sad one at that.

Not far from highway E18 in Kragerø, Norway, a red fox was found frozen standing upright in a river, as if the water had suddenly turned to ice as it was crossing through.

Dec 17, 2012 by Steven
0

Nothing says winter in Japan like the kotatsu, a low wooden table frame covered by a heavy blanket, upon which a table top sits. Built in underneath is a heat source, either electric or charcoal.

Similar to the image of a Western family sitting in front of the fireplace on Christmas Eve, the scene of a family huddled around the kotatsu, usually placed in front of the living room TV, eating mandarin oranges and watching New Year’s programming is what comes to most people’s minds when mentioning the winter holidays in Japan.

With this in mind, Sanriku Railway Co., which operates two lines along the beautiful Sanriku coast of Iwate Prefecture, Japan, is offering passengers the ultimate Japanese winter relaxation experience with their “Kotatsu Train” (Kotatsu Ressha), a special two-car train equipped with 12 kotatsu so you can enjoy the scenery pass by from the comfort of your own (simulated) living room.

Dec 17, 2012 by Steven
0

Tenga is a Japanese brand of stylish male sex toys made by a company of the same name. As sleek as Tenga products look, however, most people aren’t going to line their collection up on their bookshelf. Even if it’s common sense that practically everyone masturbates, it’s still embarrassing to have other people stumble upon evidence of your alone time.

And that’s the beauty of Tenga Express, a limited-time service where you can have a cute Japanese university girl hand-deliver a Tenaga masturbation aid. What better way to show someone you care than by sending a complete stranger to their home to implicitly say, “Hey, I know what you do at home, and I support that.”

Dec 16, 2012 by Steven
0

For many people, anime is an escape from reality. Even anime that take place in our world allow viewers to picture what the people and places around them might look like in a beautiful, stylized parallel dimension. Many people have probably wondered what they themselves might look like as an anime character.

We’ve put together a collection of images from around the internet that show what it looks like when real people, just like you and men (but more beautiful), are given the pen and brush treatment.

Check the gallery below!

Dec 16, 2012 by Steven
0

On Christma Day, 2010, an anonymous donor left ten 30,000 yen ($360) randoseru backpacks outside a Japanese orphanage in Gunma Prefecture. Attached to the bags was a card signed by Naoto Date, the secret identity of fictional Japanese wrestler Tiger Mask, who, in the popular 1960s manga by the same name, fought for orphans after being raised in an orphanage himself.

The story was picked up by the press and a week later, on January 1, 2011, a similar donation of backpacks was left at an orphanage in Kangawa Prefecture, again with a note signed by Naoto Date. By January 11, over 100 “Tiger Mask” donations, ranging from backpacks to toys, food, and monetary gifts, had been reported at various children’s facilities across the country.

After that, little was heard from Tiger Mask, aside a second donation to the original orphanage in Gunma on Christmas Day, 2011, which failed to inspire a wave of charity as it had the previous year.

Has Tiger Mask forgotten about the children of Japan?

Dec 15, 2012 by Steven
0

This Christmas, Japanese retail conglomerate Aeon is conjuring an ancient evil from a centuries-long slumber— and bringing it to the dinner table for your family to enjoy!

Dec 14, 2012 by Steven
0

From Tamatoys, the company that brought us “The Smell of a Boy’s Anus” scented oil, comes “Striped Panties that Smell Like Little Sister” — just in time for Christmas!

Dec 14, 2012 by Steven
0

Just a few weeks after the heartwarming story of an evil villain donating backpacks to a Japanese orphanage, comes another tale of anonymous Japanese winter philanthropy, this time from Toyama prefecture.

At around 2:30 pm on December 8, a female staff member at an orphanage in Takaoka city noticed a man pulling up in a white vehicle and placing three large boxes, two styrofoam and one cardboard, at the base of a telephone pole near the entrance. The man, who seemed to be in his 30s, beckoned the staff member over with his hand and, without saying anything, left the boxes and drove off.

In the cardboard box were five daikon, or Japanese radishes. In the styrofoam boxes were two large, plump yellowtail, accompanied by a letter that read: “The men of the ocean have braved billowing waves, putting their lives on the line for these kan-buri (winter yellowtail).” The letter was signed: “Yours truly A Man Who Loves the Ocean”.

At first, vegetables and fish may seem like a rather strange combination to leave outside an orphanage, but the man had actually gifted the children with a luxurious winter feast: winter yellowtail are a major seasonal delicacy that normally sell for anywhere between 30-40,000 yen ($350-$480) a fish.

Dec 13, 2012 by Steven
0

In case you needed another reason to hope the world doesn’t end on December 21, Studio Ghibli has officially announced it will release two new films on the same day in summer 2013.

Dec 13, 2012 by Steven
0

One of the many wonderful things about modern technology is that it not only allows us to visit new places from the comfort of our homes, but also to experience familiar places in completely new ways.

For example, I have visited Tokyo numerous times over the three years I have called Japan my home and I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what the city is all about: skyscrapers, bright lights, crowds of busy people, corn man. But run all that through high-dynamic-range (HDR) imaging, record it in time-lapse, and watch it on YouTube in 1080p and the city sights I know so well take on a completely different, almost otherworldly, appearance.

Check out the video below!

Dec 12, 2012 by Steven
0

The photos above are the contestants for the upcoming Kanto Miss JK Contest, a beauty pageant to be held on December 27 in Shibuya, Tokyo to decide on the cutest Japanese high school girl in Kanto, the region on the main island of Japan encompassing Tokyo and the prefectures around it.

Before we say anything too malicious, we’d like to acknowledge that perceptions of beauty—or “cuteness”, in this case—can vary greatly among different cultures. However, as many Japanese netizens have pointed out, a thick mask of makeup and hair dyed brown or blonde is hardly representative of a typical Japanese high school girl, let alone a cute one.

Dec 10, 2012 by Steven
0

It seems like nearly every city, town, and village in Japan has a cute mascot character to represent it. Usually these are yuru-kyara, anthropomorphic characters often designed with qualities representing whatever that municipality is known for.

The city of Suwa, Nagano, however, knows that the worth of a mascot character should be judged not by how well it represents the region, but by how well it sells. And in Japan, nothing sells better than cute anime girls.

That’s why they came up with Suwa-hime, or Princess Suwa, a young anime princess from medieval Japan with her own manga, voice actress, and line of original figures and goods.

Since her creation in 2011, Suwa-hime has been such a success that the city has even started printing her on their official marriage certificates, and the nerdy public official who came up with her is likely basking in splendid vindication of his hobby for the first time in his life.

Dec 9, 2012 by Steven
0

Some Japanese companies are known for making really clever commercials, others are known for making some really dumb commercials (looking at you Sony).

Mobile carrier au (pronounced “A-U”) has proven itself a part of the former camp with its fantastic new commercial, “FULL CONTROL/Xmas”, which shows what Tokyo might look like if it were turned into one giant night club.

Dec 9, 2012 by Steven
0

Purikura, short for Purinto Kurabu (Print Club), are Japanese photo booths that let you take digital pictures with your friends and then decorate and edit them using a touch screen and stylus. After you finish decorating, your pictures are then printed on multiple copies of sticker paper so you can cut them and distribute them among your friends. You can also have them sent to your cell phone or e-mail address.

Purikura booths can be found at shopping areas and arcades around Japan and are incredibly popular with teenage girls and young women, who use the image editing features to wash out the natural colors of the photos so their skin look smoother and lighter. Over the past few years, many booths have even introduced a function that lets you enlarge your eyes so you can look “cute” like an “anime character” or “freaky” like an “alien”, depending on who you ask.

These are powerful tools and, as you can imagine, can conjure horrifying results if abused. We’ve searched the Japanese internets to assemble a gallery of some of the more disturbing (and hilarious) photos that have emerged from purikura photo slots.

Check it out below, if you dare.

Dec 9, 2012 by Steven
0

Japan gets all the cool Kit Kats. Since 2000, Nestlé has introduced over 200 flavors and varieties of the chocolate bar to Japan, from chestnut and espresso to baked corn and soy sauce.

Some flavors come and go with the seasons and others are exclusive to certain regions; at the souvenir shops of my home prefecture Nagano you can find the tasty Shinshu Apple flavor and the questionable Ichimi Ground Red Pepper flavor.

One of our Japanese reporters recently came across a new variety of Kit Kat at Nagoya Station that we thought was pretty cool. While the Kit Kat bars themselves are the regular milk chocolate flavor—which, mind you, differs from country to country—the box art is inspired by the Tokaido Shinkansen line and should be familiar to anyone who has ridden the bullet train in Japan.

Dec 8, 2012 by Steven
0

Many of you are probably familiar with Rule 34, an arbitrarily-numbered internet rule which states: if it exists, there is a porn of it.

We’d like to propose a Rule 24: “If it exists, someone in Japan has a fetish for it.“

Because really, in just the past month we’ve seen serialized videos of Japanese girls diving into mud and manga about a boy with a gun for a penis.

And now we have Tonsure Market, a series of over 50 videos of Japanese women having their heads shaved bald.

That’s it. Read More

【Erection 2012】 Japanese PC Shop Offers Savings on Erotic Games to Customers who Vote

Dec 7, 2012 by Steven
0

Japan’s 46th general election is a little over a week away, and if there’s one demographic that could care less, it’s the otaku. For the obsessive Japanese nerd, it doesn’t matter what political party wins the election, so long as they can buy the latest shiny toys and spend quality time with their 2-D lovers.

Still, while otaku may feel like the major political issues of this election, like energy policy and social security, are of no concern to them, their lifestyle isn’t completely unaffected by the decisions of the higher ups. For example, some worry that joining the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (TPP) would bring changes to copyright laws that could threaten the thriving doujin, or fan-made works featuring licensed characters, market. You hear that, otaku!? No more Final Fantasy porn!

That’s right; you can always count on porn to get otaku moving. That’s why PC Shop MK, a software shop in Sapporo, Hokkaido that specializes in new and used erotic games, is offering huge discounts for customers who vote in the December 16 election.

Dec 7, 2012 by Steven
0

I remember purchasing an anime VHS that had caught my eye while browsing the local video store back in middle school. It was called Tenchi Muyo!, and according to the description, it was about space pirates, legendary scientists, and intergalactic police, which all sounded pretty cool.

When I actually watched it, though, I was surprised to find that all of the above characters were beautiful young women. Not only that, but they all end up living with the main character, a normal young Japanese boy, and develop romantic feelings for him. Comedic antics were involved. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind and, while there were action sequences, most of it was incredibly embarrassing to watch with my family around.

You see, until then, I thought Japanese anime was all about epic battles, giant robots and, on Saturday mornings on Kids’ WB!, Pokemon. For kids living in the US during the late 1990s, maybe it was.

But it seems that for the past several years in Japan, the whole “uninspired male protagonist stuck in love triangle with beautiful women” convention— a genre now known as “harem“— and similar racy themes like the borderline incestuous “little sister” genre, have become the face of the medium.

Well it looks like Japan has finally had enough: according to a survey conducted on Anime One in which nearly 6000 people replied, anime fans are sick of harem, little sister, and other bland and erotic subgenres.

Dec 6, 2012 by Steven
0

Most of us as some point or another have found a strand of hair in our food. Perhaps the more lucky of us have come across an insect or two. These are all understandable mishaps that are best forgiven and forgotten; we’re only human and a little fly in the soup never hurt anyone.

For a bit of perspective, imagine if you found a used condom mixed in with a bowl of rice you ordered at your school cafeteria, which is what actually happened to one unfortunate student at an unnamed university in Beijing.

Now that’s something to raise a fuss about; and the student did, confronting the kitchen staff with the slimy rubber topping. You’ll never guess how they responded…