Steven Simonitch

Writer / Translator

Though a native of the San Francisco Bay Area, Steven currently resides in Nagano, Japan, where he is known by the old lady at the supermarket as "the white guy who always buys 2 packs of natto." Having finished a 2 year stint teaching English with the JET program, Steven now spends his days writing silly things about Japan while vainly insisting to his parents that he's a "journalist" working for an established "newspaper."

Aside from writing banal stories about hot Asian women and cheeseburgers, Steven is also working with dojin circle Creative Freaks to localize their fitness app/ Japanese dating sim series, Burn your fat with me!! (known as Nensho! in Japan).

All Stories by Steven

Kyoto Noodle House Serves One Big, Long Noodle

Nov 2, 2012 by Steven
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Udon is one of Japan’s most well-loved noodles dishes, ranking in line with soba and ramen. Everyone has an opinion over which is the tastiest, but those who like a bit of girth in their noodles will probably go for udon, which are traditionally rolled thicker than other Japanese noodles.

If you really want something to chew on, Tawaraya, an established noodle house in Kyoto, makes udon noodles so thick that only one fits inside the bowl.

Our resident foodie, Kuzo, recently took a train out to the ancient capital to try Tawaraya’s udon for himself. Check out his report below!

Oct 31, 2012 by Steven
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On October 29, Microsoft Corp Chief Executive Steve Ballmer said that since its release on Friday, Windows 8 has been selling at a higher rate than Windows 7, the best-selling version of Windows to date.

Despite confusion over alleged magic touch screen-imbuing capabilities, Windows 8 seems to be doing well in Japan as well— so well, in fact, that limited-quantity DSP editions of the operating system, which feature two unofficial Windows 8-themed “moe” mascots, are already beginning to sell out, proving once again that the Japanese will buy anything with a cute anime girl on it (not that there was a lack evidence).

Oct 31, 2012 by Steven
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Winter is approaching fast and it looks like Japan’s romance with the color black is finally fading away into softer shades with Pepsi’s newest seasonal flavor, Pepsi White.

Oct 30, 2012 by Steven
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Villa Escudero is a beautiful hacienda-style resort built inside a working coconut plantation located in the Quezon province of the Phillipines. The resort has become a prime tourist destination for both locals and overseas visitors, who are drawn by the cozy rooms, natural beauty, and unique cultural activities such as bamboo rafting and rural village tours.

Perhaps most unique of all is the Waterfalls Restaurant, where guests can enjoy a meal on bamboo dining tables set at the foot of a small waterfall.

Oct 30, 2012 by Steven
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Earlier this month, Japanese video sharing site Niconico launched a new English interface in an attempt to make their content more accessible to the rest of the world. But while the promise of boundless Japanese lulz seems appealing, those unfamiliar with the site may struggle to find a reason to not just stick with YouTube.

The most notable feature and mainstay of the Niconico community are the embedded comments, which scroll across the screen as the video plays. This creates a sense of a shared watching experience by allowing viewers to respond directly to events occurring in the video with insightful commentary, such as “lol” and “wtf.” The problem is that most of the videos on the site are still in Japanese, which may be a turn-off for newcomers who can’t talk the talk.

Luckily, Niconico has been adding more content that should appeal to people universally, regardless of language barriers. For example, earlier this month, Niconico launched their first official adult video (AV) channel. You don’t need to know Japanese to understand what’s going on there! And think about the possibilities: thanks to Niconico’s scrolling comments and internet anonymity, the internet can now laugh at cheesy porn together— in real-time!

Oct 29, 2012 by Steven
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How many times have you ever been running to school late in the morning, rushing to get to class before the bell rings, only to turn the corner and bump into someone of the opposite sex, who you consequently fall in love with?

If your answer is more than “none,” chances are you’re either an anime character or an extremely well-organized stalker. Let’s face it: while there are plenty of situations found in anime or manga that seem like they could play out in real life, most are unlikely to ever naturally occur unless by some bizarre fluke.

Niconico News recently asked 500 of their readers to brainstorm some of the most common examples of such situations. Check what they came up with below!

Oct 28, 2012 by Steven
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Despite their irrepressible desire to rip off and devour our flesh, people love zombies. Zombie movies, zombie books, zombie games, zombie theme park events… people are just as obsessed with “consuming” zombies as they are with consuming us.

And now, with Halloween just around the corner, there are more ways than ever to get your zombie fix. In Japan, for example, you can even sit down and have cute zombie maids serve you coffee at the zombie maid café, Maid of the Dead.

Oct 28, 2012 by Steven
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【Once upon a time, nobody read RocketNews24 because it was really really bad. RocketRevival is a weekly corner that takes a look at some of our more passable articles from a bygone era that still hold valuable lessons today.】

It’s a well-known fact that romantic relationships with real women are incredibly inconvenient. You take them out on dates, pay for their meals, and do everything you can to keep them pleased—only to be kicked to the curb and have your pride crushed at the end of the day. Even if you did find that perfect girl, you’d be too nervous to talk to her in the first place!

Face it: it’s just easier to stay single. However, even those of us who are free from delusions of ‘romance’ may still fantasize of a little pleasant interaction with the opposite sex from time to time.

Now, thanks to Japanese DVD series Amateur Meal Time ～Let’s Eat Together!～, you can now fulfill that desire by enjoying the atmosphere of a dinner date without the hassle of actually having to meet a real woman! Read More

Our Japanese Reporter Eats Donut Burger in Search of “Real” American Hamburger, “I never want to eat that again”

Oct 27, 2012 by Steven
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Before departing on his trip to the United States, our Japanese reporter Yoshio told us that he was looking forward to eating a real American burger. What that meant to him, apparently, was a 50% ground beef and 50% ground bacon patty wedged between two glazed donuts and skewered on a steak knife.

Are you happy now, America? Japan associates you with bacon and glazed donuts. Actually, that sounds about right…

Check out Yoshio’s taste report below!

Oct 26, 2012 by Steven
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The woman you see in the image above is Mana Izumi, a 23-year-old Japanese adult video (AV) actress. Izumi made her AV debut in 2009 and has since made a name for herself as one of the most sought-after actresses sporting the gyaru style, a Japanese street fashion characterized by, among other things, bleached hair, a dark tan, and of course, lots of makeup.

You could say that Izumi has secured a stable position in the industry— a feat not easily accomplished, mind you—because of everything she wears. So it’s understandable that the only thing fans would want her to take off are her clothes, and that her reputation may have taken a hit when photos of Mana Izumi without any makeup was leaked on the internet earlier this week.

Take one more good look at the photo above, for what is once seen cannot be unseen.

Oct 26, 2012 by Steven
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In their seemingly endless quest to experience the softness of a woman’s breast, our Japanese reporters in Tokyo caught word of a store in Beppu, Oita, that sells manju (steamed pork buns) that look and, presumably, feel like boobs.

We think you know what happened next.

Oct 26, 2012 by Steven
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In the early 1950s, American mathematician and engineer Claude Shannon built a device that looked like a simple wooden casket with a single switch on the side. When the switch was thrown, the lid would rise slowly and a mechanical hand would emerge from beneath. The hand would slowly reach over to the side of the box, flip the switch off and retreat back　into the box, whereupon the lid would snap shut.

Shannon called the device the “Ultimate Machine,” and since its invention, it has been reconstructed and revised under a number of different names, such as the “Useless Box”　or “Leave Me Alone Box.” While all of these iterations are entertaining in their own right, a recent video by a Japanese university student has the internet buzzing that, more than 50 years later, Shannon’s Ultimate Machine may have finally been perfected.

Oct 20, 2012 by Steven
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Vocaloid producer Exit Tunes announced today that the newest Vocaloid, Mayu, will make her debut on December 5 along with the release of VOCALOID3 Library MAYU, a special package containing the Vocaloid3 software with Mayu’s voice library installed and a 2-CD compilation of Mayu tracks produced by over 30 different artists.

Oct 20, 2012 by Steven
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Fruit gives us a lot of reasons to associate it with sex. Just think of all the adjectives you can use to describe it: round, plump, wet, juicy, firm… Come on, it’s called the “Forbidden Fruit” for a reason.

If this wasn’t enough, sometimes fruit even shapes itself to stimulate our senses, and I’m not talking about bananas and melons. Just take a look at this unbelievably erotic persimmon found by one Japanese internet user late last week.

Oct 20, 2012 by Steven
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When Japanese artist Jun Kitagawa was asked to create a “balloon art” exhibition in Shonandai Station to build excitement for Shonandai Fantasia, an annual festival held from October 27-28 in Fujisawa city, Kanagawa prefecture, he was a bit troubled.

Sure he could do another flower balloon art piece (see below)— that’s what most of his recent requests have been and probably how the organizers heard of him in the first place—but he was honestly a little sick of making flowers, and wouldst it be better to do something thematically relevant to the festival?

So when he heard the main attraction of Shonandai Fantasia is a parade featuring the Brazilian samba dancers of Asakusa Samba, Kitagawa knew exactly what he had to do: T&A.

Oct 19, 2012 by Steven
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Pokémaniacs, ready your credit cards because Amazon Japan launched their Pokémon Store, a special page dedicated to the sale of all things Pokémon, on October 17.

Oct 19, 2012 by Steven
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Remember Google’s 8-bit Google Maps April Fools’ prank from earlier this year?

Japanese four-piece all-female rock band, Negoto, have taken the idea to the next level by integrating their new music video with an 8-bit map of Tokyo so that it tracks the singer’s location as she goes on a grand adventure across the city.

Oct 18, 2012 by Steven
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While most of us use YouTube to upload homemade productions and watch funny cat videos, much of Japan still turns to their domestic video sharing site, Nico Nico Douga.

Yet whereas YouTube sees content from users across the world, Nico Nico Douga has remained primarily an exclusive club for Japanese speakers since it began in 2006. An English language beta website, Niconico.com, was launched in early 2011, but failed to generate interest even among foreign users of the Japanese site, due in part to the separation of Japanese and English videos between two domains.

Perhaps realizing that they’ll never be able to attract a sizable userbase from YouTube, Nico Nico Douga has shifted its strategy away from encouraging original English content to making its Japanese content more accessible to English speakers, replacing the English website with an English interface for the Japanese domain, nicovideo.jp.

Oct 17, 2012 by Steven
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As smartphone usage continues to grow in Japan, more Japanese developers are tinkering with the devices to make apps of their own. And since developer tools and information are made available for free online, just about anyone can break into app development so long as they have an idea and the willingness to learn.

In fact, making a smartphone app is so easy, even a grade-schooler could do it— just look at 12-year-old Gaiya Ohara, Japan’s youngest smartphone developer and sole creator of the award-winning iOS app, Math RPG.

Oct 17, 2012 by Steven
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It’s really difficult to hate on Japan’s toddler-level comprehension of English. A lot of the time it really is like watching a small child, perhaps one babbling incomprehensibly into a small plastic Playskool cellphone, doing their best to mimic the sounds the grown-ups make when they do the same. They look silly doing it, but by god are they trying.

Of course, even the endearing charm of Japanese Engrish can quickly turn into the worst kind of awkward when it’s used in over-the-top, inappropriate settings. The video below is the perfect example of this.