Rape is and has always been among the most heinous acts humans are capable of, and we should take any and all precautions when it comes to preventing it. This fact has been highlighted in China recently due to some high-profile incidents in the media.

In reaction to this, a graduate from Wuhan University who works at the city’s Public Security Bureau created a list of nine ways to avoid being raped. It’s a little hard to believe that they’re coming from someone within the Bureau as a few of them seem to encourage committing major felonies themselves. Nevertheless, this list earned the honor of getting posted on the nation’s Ministry of Public Security’s Weibo account as well.

The entire list starts out pretty sensibly with a warning about not taking illegal taxis.

▼ “Avoid illegal cabs, but if you don’t, always memorize the license plate. While sitting in the back seat, pretend to use the phone.”
Woman: “Dear, can you come and meet me. The license number is…”

That seems like a good way to diffuse a potentially dangerous situation, but it leaves me wondering how many taxi drivers actually commit rape. I have no statistics on the matter but the annoyed look on the driver’s face seems to say, “Jeez… Again? Why does everyone keep thinking I’m some kind of rapist?”

This next point advises women to carry a bottle of Fengyoujing, which is a kind of medicinal lotion which apparently treats a range of problems from heat stroke to anal itching. According to this tip it’s also good at dealing with rapists when sprayed in their eyes.

Probably most things forced into someones eyes will do the trick, but we’ll get more on that during tip number six.

Number three also seems like something reasonable to do, but it also seems more fitting for thieves rather than rapists. Well, thieves or black bears.

▼ “Throw your purse away from you rather than giving it to the attacker.”

Surveillance appears to be another option. Thanks to the built-in cameras on phones, you can pretend to take a call while secretly videoing your attacker.

This advice seems fundamentally flawed in a few ways. First, you’d have to assume your attacker is an attacker well in advance of them attacking you. If that wasn’t problematic enough we have the flashing warning underneath which reads: “Warning! If you are caught doing this you will die a grisly death!”

I’m not sure how they know that will happen but it’s reason enough not to try it. You’ll almost certainly be caught since the phone in camera mode will have the screen turned on which will shine a bright light all over your face thus exposing your ruse. I know this because I tried it, and although I didn’t die a grisly death I’m no longer welcome at my local cineplex.

This brings us to tip number five: Bite.

▼ “Sometimes teeth are more effective than hands.”
Woman: “If you don’t watch out, you’ll end up eating the attacker.”

Okay that was a little dark, but considering the subject matter it was a cute kind of empowering joke wrapped around a rather good idea in a struggle that may lead to rape. Indeed teeth can be a powerful weapon.

Okay, rape tips, let’s see what you’ve got next!

▼ “Cut your nails into this shape. You don’t want them too long or they might break on you.”

Gyah! I can’t say a rapist doesn’t deserve that, but damn… What was the point of number two then?

Moving along.

▼ “When it happens, try to defecate or urinate and stick your fingers down your throat to vomit. Most people would go soft.”

It’s a bit of a gamble to assume a rapist has the sensibilities of “most people” but it’s worth a shot I guess. The assailant in the image certainly looks offended. If that fails we can always fall back on good old improbable and gruesome ultra-violence again.

▼ “Keep a pen on you (not a lead pencil). It’s more convenient that a knife because you can get it through security checkpoints.”

I’m not sure why a lead pencil is no good. Either it’s not strong enough to be a weapons-grade writing utensil or it might set off metal detectors at these “security checkpoints.” However, I should hope that after going through a security check your chances of getting raped drop significantly anyway.

Finally – and again this list can be found on China’s Ministry of Public Security Weibo account  – here is anti-rape tip number nine.

▼ “Be ugly. It’s the safest way!”

What. The. Fudge.

Riiight, because as we all know, all rapists become that way due to their extremely high standards and strict taste in women.

To sum up, sadly I don’t think we learned much to realistically avoid a rape from these options. Probably the best we can hope is that some would-be rapist gets discouraged by the graphic imagery presented in some of them.

Or perhaps the ridiculousness of these tips is actually meant to highlight the fact that there is no real magic anti-rape technique and all any of us can do is keep our wits about us and learn some basic self-defence techniques. Hopefully that’s really the core message of these tips no matter how outlandishly they’re presented.

Source: The Nanfang Insider (English), Sina Weibo – z小明童鞋z, Ministry of Public Security (Chinese)

▼ The illustrated list on the Ministry’s Weibo page.