Despite often being considered quintessentially Japanese, nyotaimori (lit. “girl body serving”) is in fact little more than an urban myth popularised by those who, perhaps understandably, think the idea is either incredibly cool or just plain sexy. It may look tremendously exciting in comics and movies, but few if any of even the richest, coolest gourmands have ever teased a slice of raw salmon from a woman’s stomach or plucked a piece of blow fish from her bare buttocks. At least not on record, anyway.
For this precise reason, our food-loving reporter Mr. Sato has long been fascinated with the idea of trying nyotaimori for himself. Contrary to the entire team’s prior expectations when they arrived at work this morning, today turned out to be the day that his dream came true…
- Eating a legend
Despite having dreamed of tucking into a plethora of richly-coloured fish from the body of a babe, our reporter was at his wits’ end trying to find a place to try it. “It’s the ultimate in cultural cuisine!” he grumbled, scowling at the unhelpful search results appearing on his laptop’s screen. “Give it up already– it’s just an urban myth!” we argued. “If you want to do it so badly you’ll just have to do it yourself.”
No sooner had the words left our mouths that Mr. Sato cracked an enormous smile. A quick phone call later and he was shirtless and ready to be dined from.
- Speed is essential!
If you’re thinking about trying this out at home, a) please don’t, and b) if you really must then know this: raw fish gets stinky fast, and stinky is normally not a good sign. Even though they’d gone through the trouble of wiping him down with antibacterial wipes and smoothing out a sheet of plastic wrap to make the process as hygienic as possible, after piling five kinds of sashimi onto Mr. Sato’s trembling body the team noticed that it was already getting a bit smelly in the office. As much as they loved Mr. Sato and wanted to be gentle with him, the team knew that there was no time for foreplay. It was eat or die.
- “This. Is. Amazing.”
Despite his age and experience, Mr. Sato giggled like a schoolgirl as the team started eating the fresh fish from his body. His stomach and miniscule man boobs jiggled softly as the slices of sashimi were carefully removed and the blobs of wasabi covering his nipples dabbed at.
“This is amazing;” he squealed, “it’s like I’m being eaten!””
- Mr. Sato eats himself
It was only as the team were working their way through the last of the tuna that Mr. Sato realised he was missing a golden opportunity to enjoy nyotaimori for himself. Turning his head slowly so as not to topple the remaining food, he reached out his hand and picked up a pair of waribashi disposable chopsticks. Peering down at his own body, he carefully pinched a slice of salmon from his belly and slipped it into his mouth. “This is the best!” (we think) he mumbled as he lay back and chewed.
Lying there, shirtless and covered in fish, grated radish and blobs of wasabi, Mr. Sato looked happier than we’ve ever seen him before. Nyotaimori really is the stuff of legend.
Follow your dreams, kids. You can eat sushi off a naked human body if you really, really want to.
▼ Let’s do this!
▼Mr. Sato was tremendously bossy for a human plate.
▼ Some wasabi to cover his shame.
▼ Ready to eat! Doesn’t he look pretty!?
▼ “Let’s eat!”
▼ “Hmmm.. it’s kinda warm.”
▼”It’s like you’re eating me — I’m getting shivers!”
▼ Well, even models gets hungry sometimes.
▼ “This is the best way to eat ever…”
▼ “Oh man…”
▼ ((This is the best…))
[ Read in Japanese ]