They say variety is the spice of life, so this Japanese website is ready to add some piquancy to your Class 2 bathroom proceedings.
Imagine eating the same exact thing for every meal, every day. How long do you think it would take before that became thoroughly, soul-crushingly dull?
And yet, so few of us question this sort of monotony at the other end of the digestive process. Now, though, there’s a guiding light illuminating the untapped variety of where the sun don’t shine. Yes, by following the illustrated examples of Japanese website 48 Ways to Poop, you could be dropping a deuce in a new way every day for nearly seven weeks (or a somewhat shorter period of time, if you have a diet that’s particularly rich in fiber or fried foods).
As a comprehensive compendium of colonic commuting, 48 Ways to Poop includes many of the time-tested standards, such as the Orthodox and the Inner Thigh.
Many of us have also employed the Bellyache and the Air Seat at one time or another, as the former is a favorite of those who’ve eaten too much chili, and the latter is the savior of those with the ill fate of using the toilet after them.
But with these mundane methods accounted for, 48 Ways to Poop quickly progresses to more inventive poo plans, such as the Upright Forward Bend…
…the dynamic Four-Point Brace…
…and the demure Sidesaddle.
Sports and athletic fans will want to try the empowering Sanchin, named for the kata practice routine of Okinawan karate…
…and the Ina Bauer, which shares its name with famed German figure skater who made this pose a cornerstone of her performances (on the ice, not in the bathroom).
If you’re more about the mental than the physical, the Meditation may be a way to align your aura as you void your bowels.
Also perfect for a stoic stool session: The Seiza (Japanese-Style Kneeling).
Those with a lack of physical affection in their daily lives yet an abundance of clearance behind their commodes could be the ideal practitioners of the Lid Hug.
Craving a challenge? Sounds like it’s time for you to attempt the Y-Pose…
…or the Tokoroten, which refers to a type of limp, noodle-like gelatin that’s part of traditional Japanese cuisine.
And finally, for those looking for the ultimate test of their toilet technique, behold: the Handstand!
▼ If your trajectory and posture aren’t just right, there are so, so many ways this could end badly.
So far, 48 Ways to Poop has only revealed 50 percent of its ideas, with the remaining 24 set to be revealed on the website sometime later this month. In the meantime, though, you’ve should have more than enough knowledge to last you through a couple of boxes of bran flakes.
Follow Casey on Twitter, where his personal pooping techniques are a closely guarded secret.