Mr. Sato continues to push his hypothesis that the male groin is the gateway to efficient regulation of body temperature, even if it means serious bodily harm.
Earlier this year during the scorching summer heat, Mr. Sato had the idea that the sensitivity of the male nether regions would make it the ideal place to add some cooling spray for rapid relief. While it worked for a brief moment, the intense agony that followed made the method unsuitable for most people.
Now, the days are getting colder and colder and flakes of snow have even been sighted in the Tokyo area. So, Mr. Sato’s thoughts turned once again to his pants as a way to stay warm. Having kind of learned his lesson, he paid an once more consideration to his well-being and carefully chose a warmer.
These are called Poka Poka Oshiri No Hoppe or “Toasty Butt Cheeks” in English, and they are a type of pack which generates chemical heat known as a kairo in Japan. They are widely popular in the country and can be placed in one’s pocket or adhered to one’s midsection. These particular kairo, however, are specially designed to stick to butt cheeks.
Figuring the groin and the butt are but two sides of the same coin, Mr. Sato thought this would be the best product to try out down his pants. However, it should be noted that this was done without the blessing of the product’s manufacturers and is clearly advised against on the package several times.
▼ “Please be sure to read the package before using”
Since these were designed to go on butt cheeks, each pack had two kairos inside, and since Mr. Sato would only require one for what he was about to do, he decided to recruit fellow writer P.K. into his experiment.
▼ Mr. Sato: “Here. Pull down your pants and stick this thing on your junk.”
▼ P.K.: “Okay.”
The two sat and waited for something to happen. This was different from the cooling spray which went to work immediately. They could feel the pad warming up but it wasn’t anything special.
However, bit by bit a warmth began to cascade through their body like there were dim but reliable fires burning in hearths at their cores. It was a wonderful sensation and Mr. Sato described it as “like resting your privates in a tiny bathtub full of warm water.”
Even better, there was no pain afterwards like with the cooling spray. The warming sensation simply ran its course gently until finished.
However – and this is a big “however” – we absolutely do not recommend anyone try this at home. These packs claim to heat up to an average temperature of 49℃ and a maximum of 59℃. Even though these aren’t scalding hot they can cause what is known as “low temperature burns” if the area they are applied to doesn’t get enough circulation.
Also, applying such heat directly to the testis can’t be good for these guys’ sperm counts if they ever plan to father children…
Eh, maybe that was never in their cards anyway. Who has time for kids when there’s burgers with $85 worth of pickles waiting to be eaten?
[ Read in Japanese ]